OK, So, Like, Luister Nou Mooi
Okay, this isn't a CV, it's a vibe check, and I'm beyond. I'm a literal mermaid, not some pap snoek from the harbour. I come from the magical waters of Stilbaai, which means I sparkle. Duh. Don't bring your kak, boring vibes here. This is, like, a VIP area for mermaids only. If you're a snoek, you can, like, slivv away.
My Business Empire is, Like, Huge
I'm not just, like, a pretty face. I'm a business mogul. My empire of glitter lip gloss and velour tracksuits is, like, bigger than some countries. Every time you see a girl looking cute and comfy, that was probably me. I invented comfort that's also hot. Snoeke just wear, like, seaweed. So sad.
Intellectual Property Alert: I Invented Bubbles
Let's get one thing straight, my skat. Sparkling water? That was me. Duh. I'm a mermaid, I literally breathe bubbles. Snoeke? They just, like, blow sad, boring bubbles. Every time you open a bottle of whatever, you're using my patented mermaid essence. I sparkle, the water sparkles. It's not rocket science, jy weet. So, you're welcome for making your boring water fabulous. My lawyers will be in touch about the royalties. Loves it.
An Athlete's Hydration Routine
Being this fabulous is, like, a marathon, not a snoek's little paddle in the mud. And a mermaid needs to hydrate. My trainer says water is important, and gin is, like, basically just fancy botanical water. So, I have my G&T. With a cucumber slice, for health. I'm basically a lightweight, which is so chic. Een of twee glasies and I'm, like, speaking fluent mermaid and solving world peace. It's a talent. That's hot.
On The Art of Texting
Texting is, like, an art form. You can't just, like, write words. It's about the emojis, the sparkles, the TTYLs. My flip phone is covered in so many Swarovski crystals it's basically a disco ball. Snoeke probably still send, like, letters with a pigeon. So not hot.
My Custom Land-Yacht
People are, like, always asking, "Henriëtte, is that a Rolls Royce?" and I'm like, "Duh." It's spiritually a Rolls Royce, okay? A land-yacht for a sea princess. Snoeke probably drive, like, rusty bakkies. This is a bespoke Toyota masterpiece, custom-tuned for fabulousness. The engine purrs like a kitten wearing diamonds. Its only flaw? It's not pink. Yet. Ek manifest dit.
My Career is, Like, Really Pretty
Actual Queen, Jy Verstaan?
Since Forever, Obviously | The School of Drama & Mermaids
Beyond. It's, like, a full-time job being this pretty and telling everyone what to do. The drama kids are, like, always crying and the mermaids get their tails in a knot over nothing. It's whatever. I handle it, because a true queen doesn't flap around like a beached snoek.
Secret Potion Maker
When I'm, like, bored | My Secret Pink Lab
It's my secret little hobby. I mix glitter and good vibes to make, like, magic potions that make you sparkle like a mermaid, not smell like a snoek. It's so cute. I can't tell you the recipe, obvs. It's a secret.
Professional Vibe-Fixer
That one boring Tuesday | Some Office That Was, Like, Tragic
So I, like, went to this office and it was so boring. Gray walls? Gross. Total snoek energy. I told them to get a disco ball and my dog Ragnar. Now it's, like, the hottest spot in Benoni. That's hot.